Hey man, this comment is about your Storybook so far! I have just a few things to say, and I'll try to keep this pretty short! I liked the introduction, it covered all the basic things one needs to know about the Last Supper in a succinct, easy-to-understand way. I'd suggest, however, maybe introducing who is talking, unless it's just a basic non-involved narrator, in which case don't listen to me! I think the layout of your site could use a little work (I know that isn't a top priority at the moment) as the yellowish-orange writing on the solid black background is a bit hard on the eyes. Maybe just rearranging the colors so there isn't so much black would help a lot, I think! Other than those two things, it seems like you've started off on the right foot. Good luck with the topic you've chosen, I know it isn't easy trying to rearrange the stories of the Bible!
Hey, Joe! I can’t promise that I will say something stupid, but let’s see what I can say, haha. Firstly, I love the contrast of the reds in the photo of your sunset with the pure black background of the site—it really enhances the drama of the atmosphere present on the homepage of your site. The orange of the font was a bold choice—but a good one—for much the same reason. I also love the evocative title you gave your storybook; “The Tools of the Last Day” seems to hint at something apocalyptic, though the term tools usually denotes something that can be fixed—again, the contrast here is quite striking.
In your introduction, you again utilize the blackness of the background contrasted with the bright colors of your image to great effect. In the writing itself, the simplicity within the structure of the sentences and the actions undertaken seem to somehow emphasize the underlying complexities of the story of the Last Supper. And the simple language used to state the upcoming betrayals and the tensions and burdens to come works in your favor to increase the somber and tragic mood of the story. A great start to what I am sure will be a fantastic storybook! Can’t wait to read more!
Hey Joe! You commented on my week 6 famous last words post about how fast this semester is flying by in contrast to semesters in the past. It really is crazy how fast this semester is, and I agree that it's because there is so much to do. Especially because Grad Gear-Up is next week, so we get to pick up our cap and gown! But thanks for commenting on my blog posts! Hope this semester is going well for you!
Hey Joe! This comment is about your introduction to your storybook, The Tools of the Last Day. I really enjoyed the picture you used on your homepage. It was very pretty yet also gave off an ominous feel. To me, sunsets always give the feel of an ending but also the possibility of something new and exciting happening. With the night comes a new adventure. I liked the introduction of your story. Although the story of the Last Supper is a familiar one, you put a new take on it by describing the scene and the thoughts of the main character. Speaking of main characters, I understand the mysterious element of not knowing who the speaker is but for some people, it might be helpful to say who is speaking to them/telling the story. Like I have said to others in this class, I always find it sort of difficult to rewrite Biblical stories and put my own spin on them so good job. Overall, I liked the intro and it makes me curious to see what your first story will be.
Well, talk about short and sweet. Dang! I wish there was a story for me to read following this up. Even for those who do not believe in Jesus, everyone knows the story of The Last Supper. I am really interested to continue reading. It may be a little blasphemous, but a small part of me hopes all of your stories have some crazy stuff in them, like Judas is a Sith-lord, or Jesus has the ability of flight or something supernatural like that, but even just keeping it as is will be very interesting. Just one little thing I saw was you said "slowing growing," but I think you meant slowly growing. Also, in the last part you say as the "student continue," but you should have an s at the end of that. Anyways, it's looking great so far. I really want to see what you're going to do next.
Hey! This is about your Storybook, The Tools of the Last Day. I love that your opening picture is a sunset. That really brings around the idea of 'the last day'. Also, I like that it goes with the color scheme of black and yellow with the dark oranges. Your introduction is good! I loved the opening picture of the last supper. I think that was a fantastic idea as well. I would suggest maybe introducing the speaker at some point in the introduction. I'm assuming it's Jesus, but others may not know. Also, the yellow words against a black background are kind of difficult to read. Oh, and you might think about centering the title, Tools of the Last Day. It's kind of hard to tell what the story was, especially on the home page. But I really enjoy your introduction, and i'm interested in how things work out as your story continues. Best of luck!
Hi Joe! This is for you storybook, "The Tools of the Last Day." I just wanted to let you know that I think your storybook is really good! I grew up learning about Jesus and all that happened in the Bible. But as I got older, I drifted away from the church scene and don't really remember all the stories. As soon as I read your stories, I knew right away what you were talking about and it just reminded me of all the stories that I used to know. Great job! I like how you are keeping the stories basically the same. I kind of feel that it might be a little difficult to rewrite stories about the Bible because some people might become offended or something. I can't wait to read more of your stories!
Wow, that was some extremely powerful writing. You could cut the tension in this storybook with a knife. The introduction does a great job of setting the tone, building the tension with predictions of future betrayals. Previously informed readers will know what to expect in the ensuing stories, but readers who are unfamiliar with the story of Christ will be interested to see how the evens play out. The painting The Last Supper is a great choice as the image for your introduction. Even the dark design of the website fits well with the tone.
I cringed the whole time while reading The Scourge. The choice to tell the story from the point of view of an inanimate object is unique yet very fitting. This narrator is impartial and unbiased, neither expressing outrage nor contributing to the ridicule of Christ. Regardless how objective the tone is, the sense of tension is still sitting in the reader's stomach as the build up to the climax is drawn out. Overall, I think your writing is excellent and definitely captivates readers, causing them to want to come back for more even if they can't stand what it happening in the stories.
I just read your story for The Scourge for your storybook. I used the idea to use an inanimate object as the main storyteller earlier this semester and I'm glad someone else found a way to use it too. I think your writing is really good and it makes for some very powerful emotions while reading. My suggestion would be to make your introduction font and your story font's the same. It isn't a major thing but it was just something I noticed. Also, it would be great to give a little more background information for your stories. Most people know where your stories are from or what they are speaking about but there may be others who do not. Other than those few things I think this storybook is heading in a great direction as of now. Your writing seems to easily draw the reader in and one almost feels like I'm in the middle of some new blockbuster thriller movie or something.
Wow I really really like the way you have set up your storybook and how you're telling the story. Telling the story of Jesus's last days through the views of inanimate objects is so cool! The Scourge was really wonderful and haunting. I absolutely loved how you wrote the story. It was lovely, but haunting and terribly sad. I just think the voice that you gave to the scourge was so perfect.
I liked your introduction but it felt just a little bit stiff to me. The rest of your stories are so moving and flow so easily, so it may help to revise your introduction to reflect that flow just a little bit more. I think maybe using the pronoun "he" a little bit less may also be helpful because it was so prevalent throughout the introduction it made parts of each sentence seem repetitive. I think you were intending to leave Jesus unnamed, which is a fine idea to add some mystery to your story, but maybe substituting the word "he" for "the man" or "the teacher" or something like that may help to add a little variety and also specificity to your story.
Home Page: Oh I really like your home page. The title and the image of the sunset give me the chills. It’s like the sunset on the last day of your life. Introduction: The tense changes from past to present in the third paragraph. Wait. In the second paragraph you already said that he “broke the bread, and fed them.” Why, then, does the third paragraph mention that “he dips the bread and hands it to each of them.” It’s like you went back in time with in your story, but it wasn’t a flashback. If he has already accepted the outcome, then what “weigh[s] heav[ily] on his shoulders?” I had the question: Is it really a “prediction” if the person truly knows what is going to happen? I feel like your building up a picture of betrayal, so when you have Jesus smile it does quite feel right. I’m still not sure how the people in the room feel. Are they stressed out about Jesus’ predictions? How does Jesus feel? Betrayed? At peace? I also don’t really know what the rest of your storybook is going to be about. The Scourge: I had to read your author’s note to realize this story was written from the perspective of the whip. Oh! I finally get the title. I think that is clever idea. This story was very confusing for me, but I did really like the gruesome detail in the next to the last paragraph. I love the line, “ I reached out and touched the flesh where it was thin next to his spine and ripped my way in and out of his body. “ So realistic. I like it. I also thought the line, “until it could no longer bear to hold my justice within its fingers.” The idea that the justice belonged to the whip is VERY interesting.
Hey, Joe! I had to choose a third Storybook to comment on and immediately yours caught my attention because I had no idea what your Storybook would be about, except that it was probably something intense. Your cover really played up on the suspense of your title, which I liked. I also like the colors you chose for your Storybook. After looking around your Storybook more, I realized that the colors of the text and background really were perfect. Reading your Introduction gave me a good grasp on the gravity of the situation. The Last Supper is not something lighthearted, and I think you conveyed the serious tone brilliantly. Your introduction was short, but got the point across well. I actually really liked the length because sometimes wordiness really takes away from a story. Your paragraphs were broken up at just the right spots, making the reading flow really well. I can’t wait to read more of your material in the future!
I really enjoyed the overall theme of your storybook. I really liked the layout and the picture of the sun was beautiful. It was for the most part pretty simple, but I think that is the best way to have it sometimes. It kind of gave me a very peaceful feeling and I enjoyed that. Upon reading your introduction, I was hooked. You did a great job writing it and drawing me into the rest of your storybook. That is sometimes the hardest part about the introduction. You want to give out information about the stories to make the person interested, but you don’t want to give out so much information that they don’t have to read the stories. You did a really great job with this. I also got to read “The Scourge” and I thought it was excellent. The story had a nice flow to it and I was interested throughout the whole story. Good work so far with your storybook and I look forward to reading more in the future.
Hey Joe! Wow, I thought your Storybook was fantastic. The idea to tell the stories from the perspective of inanimate objects was really clever. I wasn't sure what a scourge was as I read the first story, but I realized half way through and it honestly just made things better. There were some minor spelling errors in your stories, like "the same alter" (altar). So maybe just go back through and take another look to make sure you've got them all corrected. I'm also not personally a fan of having the author's notes on another page, just because I like transitioning straight to it after a story, but that's more of a personal choice! Other than that, I thought the strongest part of your writing was the description you used. Especially in telling the story from the perspective of an inanimate object, I really understood what you were trying to say, and felt like I was able to picture the scene you were describing very easily.
Hey Joe. This Storybook was really good, I was impressed! The entire style of writing was creative and unique. Fortunately, I didn't see a ton of mistakes besides needing to fix some spelling errors. Maybe go back through and reread your story to make these changes and you should be good to go! When I first clicked on to your Storybook, I was really intrigued by your picture of the sun. It looks awesome! Great job of choosing a visual that will engage an audience. It made me want to see what your story was all about. You really have done a great job developing your Storybook. I'm impressed by your descriptions and the way each story flows. Again, I think you have a great idea with the perspective from the tools here. I had fun reading it and stayed engaged throughout each story. Keep up the good work and thank you for the good read!
The home page made me feel warm! I like the sunset and dark background. At first, I was nervous that your introduction would be somewhat different or offensive. I always feel this way when religious stories are involved. Your introduction was great. I like your paragraph spacing. It was easy to read and very detailed. You really created great imagery. I continued to read The Scourge and was a little confused. The word "I" made me question who was speaking. At first, I thought it was a narrator. Maybe I misread something. Maybe the tool is the one doing the talking. Beside being confused about who is talking, the story developed well. I like how the writing was consistent and easy to read. Overall, you did a great job. I like the decor of your storybook. I like the pictures that you chose to use. I look forward to reading more from you.
In response to "Say something stupid... Honestly the dumber the better," have you heard of the word 'diputseromneve?' The word 'diputseromneve' may look ridiculous, but backwards it's even more stupid. Anyway, your storybook was really good. I really enjoyed how you told the story behind the painting. I also noticed that you keep the author's notes separate from the stories themselves. I haven't seen anyone else do that yet, but I think it's a really good idea. Sometimes it seems like the Author's Note can interrupt the flow between the introduction and the story, so I think keeping them separate is a good idea. I also liked the point of view from which you told the stories. I was never quite sure who the "I" was, but I don't think that it detracted from the story at all. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook. It was nicely laid out, easy to follow, and quite interesting. Good job so far!
Hey man, this comment is about your Storybook so far! I have just a few things to say, and I'll try to keep this pretty short! I liked the introduction, it covered all the basic things one needs to know about the Last Supper in a succinct, easy-to-understand way. I'd suggest, however, maybe introducing who is talking, unless it's just a basic non-involved narrator, in which case don't listen to me! I think the layout of your site could use a little work (I know that isn't a top priority at the moment) as the yellowish-orange writing on the solid black background is a bit hard on the eyes. Maybe just rearranging the colors so there isn't so much black would help a lot, I think! Other than those two things, it seems like you've started off on the right foot. Good luck with the topic you've chosen, I know it isn't easy trying to rearrange the stories of the Bible!
ReplyDeleteHey, Joe! I can’t promise that I will say something stupid, but let’s see what I can say, haha. Firstly, I love the contrast of the reds in the photo of your sunset with the pure black background of the site—it really enhances the drama of the atmosphere present on the homepage of your site. The orange of the font was a bold choice—but a good one—for much the same reason. I also love the evocative title you gave your storybook; “The Tools of the Last Day” seems to hint at something apocalyptic, though the term tools usually denotes something that can be fixed—again, the contrast here is quite striking.
ReplyDeleteIn your introduction, you again utilize the blackness of the background contrasted with the bright colors of your image to great effect. In the writing itself, the simplicity within the structure of the sentences and the actions undertaken seem to somehow emphasize the underlying complexities of the story of the Last Supper. And the simple language used to state the upcoming betrayals and the tensions and burdens to come works in your favor to increase the somber and tragic mood of the story. A great start to what I am sure will be a fantastic storybook! Can’t wait to read more!
Hey Joe! You commented on my week 6 famous last words post about how fast this semester is flying by in contrast to semesters in the past. It really is crazy how fast this semester is, and I agree that it's because there is so much to do. Especially because Grad Gear-Up is next week, so we get to pick up our cap and gown! But thanks for commenting on my blog posts! Hope this semester is going well for you!
ReplyDeleteHey Joe! This comment is about your introduction to your storybook, The Tools of the Last Day. I really enjoyed the picture you used on your homepage. It was very pretty yet also gave off an ominous feel. To me, sunsets always give the feel of an ending but also the possibility of something new and exciting happening. With the night comes a new adventure. I liked the introduction of your story. Although the story of the Last Supper is a familiar one, you put a new take on it by describing the scene and the thoughts of the main character. Speaking of main characters, I understand the mysterious element of not knowing who the speaker is but for some people, it might be helpful to say who is speaking to them/telling the story. Like I have said to others in this class, I always find it sort of difficult to rewrite Biblical stories and put my own spin on them so good job. Overall, I liked the intro and it makes me curious to see what your first story will be.
ReplyDeleteWell, talk about short and sweet. Dang! I wish there was a story for me to read following this up. Even for those who do not believe in Jesus, everyone knows the story of The Last Supper. I am really interested to continue reading. It may be a little blasphemous, but a small part of me hopes all of your stories have some crazy stuff in them, like Judas is a Sith-lord, or Jesus has the ability of flight or something supernatural like that, but even just keeping it as is will be very interesting.
ReplyDeleteJust one little thing I saw was you said "slowing growing," but I think you meant slowly growing. Also, in the last part you say as the "student continue," but you should have an s at the end of that. Anyways, it's looking great so far. I really want to see what you're going to do next.
Hey! This is about your Storybook, The Tools of the Last Day. I love that your opening picture is a sunset. That really brings around the idea of 'the last day'. Also, I like that it goes with the color scheme of black and yellow with the dark oranges.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction is good! I loved the opening picture of the last supper. I think that was a fantastic idea as well.
I would suggest maybe introducing the speaker at some point in the introduction. I'm assuming it's Jesus, but others may not know. Also, the yellow words against a black background are kind of difficult to read.
Oh, and you might think about centering the title, Tools of the Last Day. It's kind of hard to tell what the story was, especially on the home page.
But I really enjoy your introduction, and i'm interested in how things work out as your story continues.
Best of luck!
Hi Joe! This is for you storybook, "The Tools of the Last Day." I just wanted to let you know that I think your storybook is really good! I grew up learning about Jesus and all that happened in the Bible. But as I got older, I drifted away from the church scene and don't really remember all the stories. As soon as I read your stories, I knew right away what you were talking about and it just reminded me of all the stories that I used to know. Great job! I like how you are keeping the stories basically the same. I kind of feel that it might be a little difficult to rewrite stories about the Bible because some people might become offended or something. I can't wait to read more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteWow, that was some extremely powerful writing. You could cut the tension in this storybook with a knife. The introduction does a great job of setting the tone, building the tension with predictions of future betrayals. Previously informed readers will know what to expect in the ensuing stories, but readers who are unfamiliar with the story of Christ will be interested to see how the evens play out. The painting The Last Supper is a great choice as the image for your introduction. Even the dark design of the website fits well with the tone.
ReplyDeleteI cringed the whole time while reading The Scourge. The choice to tell the story from the point of view of an inanimate object is unique yet very fitting. This narrator is impartial and unbiased, neither expressing outrage nor contributing to the ridicule of Christ. Regardless how objective the tone is, the sense of tension is still sitting in the reader's stomach as the build up to the climax is drawn out. Overall, I think your writing is excellent and definitely captivates readers, causing them to want to come back for more even if they can't stand what it happening in the stories.
I just read your story for The Scourge for your storybook. I used the idea to use an inanimate object as the main storyteller earlier this semester and I'm glad someone else found a way to use it too. I think your writing is really good and it makes for some very powerful emotions while reading.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to make your introduction font and your story font's the same. It isn't a major thing but it was just something I noticed. Also, it would be great to give a little more background information for your stories. Most people know where your stories are from or what they are speaking about but there may be others who do not. Other than those few things I think this storybook is heading in a great direction as of now. Your writing seems to easily draw the reader in and one almost feels like I'm in the middle of some new blockbuster thriller movie or something.
Wow I really really like the way you have set up your storybook and how you're telling the story. Telling the story of Jesus's last days through the views of inanimate objects is so cool! The Scourge was really wonderful and haunting. I absolutely loved how you wrote the story. It was lovely, but haunting and terribly sad. I just think the voice that you gave to the scourge was so perfect.
ReplyDeleteI liked your introduction but it felt just a little bit stiff to me. The rest of your stories are so moving and flow so easily, so it may help to revise your introduction to reflect that flow just a little bit more. I think maybe using the pronoun "he" a little bit less may also be helpful because it was so prevalent throughout the introduction it made parts of each sentence seem repetitive. I think you were intending to leave Jesus unnamed, which is a fine idea to add some mystery to your story, but maybe substituting the word "he" for "the man" or "the teacher" or something like that may help to add a little variety and also specificity to your story.
Great job!
Home Page: Oh I really like your home page. The title and the image of the sunset give me the chills. It’s like the sunset on the last day of your life.
ReplyDeleteIntroduction: The tense changes from past to present in the third paragraph. Wait. In the second paragraph you already said that he “broke the bread, and fed them.” Why, then, does the third paragraph mention that “he dips the bread and hands it to each of them.” It’s like you went back in time with in your story, but it wasn’t a flashback.
If he has already accepted the outcome, then what “weigh[s] heav[ily] on his shoulders?”
I had the question: Is it really a “prediction” if the person truly knows what is going to happen?
I feel like your building up a picture of betrayal, so when you have Jesus smile it does quite feel right.
I’m still not sure how the people in the room feel. Are they stressed out about Jesus’ predictions? How does Jesus feel? Betrayed? At peace?
I also don’t really know what the rest of your storybook is going to be about.
The Scourge:
I had to read your author’s note to realize this story was written from the perspective of the whip. Oh! I finally get the title. I think that is clever idea. This story was very confusing for me, but I did really like the gruesome detail in the next to the last paragraph. I love the line, “ I reached out and touched the flesh where it was thin next to his spine and ripped my way in and out of his body. “ So realistic. I like it. I also thought the line, “until it could no longer bear to hold my justice within its fingers.” The idea that the justice belonged to the whip is VERY interesting.
Hey, Joe! I had to choose a third Storybook to comment on and immediately yours caught my attention because I had no idea what your Storybook would be about, except that it was probably something intense. Your cover really played up on the suspense of your title, which I liked. I also like the colors you chose for your Storybook. After looking around your Storybook more, I realized that the colors of the text and background really were perfect.
ReplyDeleteReading your Introduction gave me a good grasp on the gravity of the situation. The Last Supper is not something lighthearted, and I think you conveyed the serious tone brilliantly. Your introduction was short, but got the point across well. I actually really liked the length because sometimes wordiness really takes away from a story. Your paragraphs were broken up at just the right spots, making the reading flow really well. I can’t wait to read more of your material in the future!
I really enjoyed the overall theme of your storybook. I really liked the layout and the picture of the sun was beautiful. It was for the most part pretty simple, but I think that is the best way to have it sometimes. It kind of gave me a very peaceful feeling and I enjoyed that. Upon reading your introduction, I was hooked. You did a great job writing it and drawing me into the rest of your storybook. That is sometimes the hardest part about the introduction. You want to give out information about the stories to make the person interested, but you don’t want to give out so much information that they don’t have to read the stories. You did a really great job with this. I also got to read “The Scourge” and I thought it was excellent. The story had a nice flow to it and I was interested throughout the whole story. Good work so far with your storybook and I look forward to reading more in the future.
ReplyDeleteHey Joe! Wow, I thought your Storybook was fantastic. The idea to tell the stories from the perspective of inanimate objects was really clever. I wasn't sure what a scourge was as I read the first story, but I realized half way through and it honestly just made things better. There were some minor spelling errors in your stories, like "the same alter" (altar). So maybe just go back through and take another look to make sure you've got them all corrected. I'm also not personally a fan of having the author's notes on another page, just because I like transitioning straight to it after a story, but that's more of a personal choice! Other than that, I thought the strongest part of your writing was the description you used. Especially in telling the story from the perspective of an inanimate object, I really understood what you were trying to say, and felt like I was able to picture the scene you were describing very easily.
ReplyDeleteHey Joe. This Storybook was really good, I was impressed! The entire style of writing was creative and unique. Fortunately, I didn't see a ton of mistakes besides needing to fix some spelling errors. Maybe go back through and reread your story to make these changes and you should be good to go! When I first clicked on to your Storybook, I was really intrigued by your picture of the sun. It looks awesome! Great job of choosing a visual that will engage an audience. It made me want to see what your story was all about. You really have done a great job developing your Storybook. I'm impressed by your descriptions and the way each story flows.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I think you have a great idea with the perspective from the tools here. I had fun reading it and stayed engaged throughout each story. Keep up the good work and thank you for the good read!
Hello Joe,
ReplyDeleteThe home page made me feel warm! I like the sunset and dark background. At first, I was nervous that your introduction would be somewhat different or offensive. I always feel this way when religious stories are involved. Your introduction was great. I like your paragraph spacing. It was easy to read and very detailed. You really created great imagery. I continued to read The Scourge and was a little confused. The word "I" made me question who was speaking. At first, I thought it was a narrator. Maybe I misread something. Maybe the tool is the one doing the talking. Beside being confused about who is talking, the story developed well. I like how the writing was consistent and easy to read. Overall, you did a great job. I like the decor of your storybook. I like the pictures that you chose to use. I look forward to reading more from you.
In response to "Say something stupid... Honestly the dumber the better," have you heard of the word 'diputseromneve?' The word 'diputseromneve' may look ridiculous, but backwards it's even more stupid. Anyway, your storybook was really good. I really enjoyed how you told the story behind the painting. I also noticed that you keep the author's notes separate from the stories themselves. I haven't seen anyone else do that yet, but I think it's a really good idea. Sometimes it seems like the Author's Note can interrupt the flow between the introduction and the story, so I think keeping them separate is a good idea. I also liked the point of view from which you told the stories. I was never quite sure who the "I" was, but I don't think that it detracted from the story at all. Overall, I really enjoyed your storybook. It was nicely laid out, easy to follow, and quite interesting. Good job so far!
ReplyDelete