Thank God for Heart Attacks
I love being alive. I didn’t always feel this way, but as the years pass I have learned to love life. Now when I say I didn’t always feel that way I don’t mean that I wanted to die, I mean that I used to take life for granted. I cherish every moment now. When people used to call me I would ignore it, now when I get a phone call I get excited. I have to answer it. Usually it is my dad. I love moments with him.
You never really think about losing your parents, so when you are faced with that moment you are instantly crushed. Next you are flooded with so many regrets and thoughts. I know what it is like to face losing my father. I can still tell you the time the phone call I almost didn’t answer came.
It was Tuesday night, my son was just a little over a year old, me and his mom were about to break up (but that is another story) and at 11:05 pm the phone rang. It was Vikki my step mother. I knew something was wrong. I honestly did, because until that point my father and step mom never called. So instantly I just asked “What’s wrong, what happened to dad?” She told that he was in the hospital in the middle of having a heart attack.
I drove to the hospital, I didn’t cry, I don’t know why, I was in shock, I didn’t pray either, I just ran red lights and hoped I could get there before he died. The thoughts of regret did start to come into my mind, but really they didn’t sink in until later (I’ll get to that). When I got to the hospital I went into see my dad and he looked fine. He was up and talking and I was wondering what was going on I thought he was having a heart attack, but he was joking with the nurses and doctors. The doctor explained that he was on a nitro drip and that when he came in he was in the process of having a massive heart attack, but he got there in time. Twenty minutes later he would have been dead. The thing is my dad thought he was having gal stone (not sure that is spelled right) so he just stopped by on his way to work to get some pain meds. He didn’t know he was having a heart attack, and we found out that was normal, that the reason they call them the “Widow Makers” because you don’t know you are having one. The doctor on duty only caught it because he ordered blood work (To be honest I am not sure why they ordered the work) and they noticed something was off. Turns out my dad was in real bad shape. He was placed in the intensive care unit and then and a few days later he was medi-flighted up to the heart hospital where they put him in surgery and he needed a bunch of bypasses.
The next few years were full of eggshells. A little back story is that my father and I were always close or at least I thought we were, but we also fought all the time. I hate to say that almost losing my father was a positive thing, but it was. Walking around afraid to argue with him because I was scared he would die. I know it was an irrational fear but I lived in terror. I also blamed myself for his heart attack. A few hours before he had his heart attack I was at his house and we got into a yelling match. I blamed myself for so many years. I couldn’t communicate it to him because I never really knew how to communicate. We didn’t know how to communicate with each other. Being afraid to fight with him forced us to learn to talk to each other. Still I carried the guilt for so long, and if I am being honest I still do.
His heart attack was the breakthrough we needed to learn how to love each other. I have always known that my father loves me, but he was never good at expressing it. It took time. We started simple. I would just go over his house and watch television with him. After a while of doing this we weren’t even watching T.V., instead we were talking about any and everything. We even started to tell each other “I love You,” before I would leave to go home. The breakthrough came through when I was leaving and my Dad put his arms around me and hugged me and told me he loved me. This seems small, but honestly until then I can only remember my father hugging 4 times in my life. Well that is not entirely honest, when I was a kid he would hug me when we fought. Still this was a breakthrough because I could feel the love my father had for me. Soon we were able to talk about things that we used to fight about in the past. Then the day came when I confessed to him the guilt I felt about his heart attack. He looked at me, and I could see in his eyes that he was realizing that I was carrying this weight around on my shoulders for years. He just told me I was crazy and it wasn’t my fault at all. I had nothing to do with it and in fact he was lucky that he didn’t have a heart attack earlier.
To the point (sorry I know this post is long) today my father and I are close. We talk daily. He will call and we will never have a 2 minute conversation. When I moved back from Kansas City he was at my apartment the next day doing what father’s do. He was bringing me over plates and chairs. I had all those things, but I didn’t say anything because, well because he is my father and it makes him feel good to do those things. When I go to his house and he is at work, Vikki will let him know I am there and he will rush home as soon as he can and we will hang out. Sometimes we go to dinner and other times we just sit and talk. The best thing that has happened is that we have realized that we have so many things in common. I’ll call him or he will call me about going to see a comedian. We just do things together. I know I am his favorite and I take every opportunity I can to rub the other kids noses in it. I thank God everyday for my father’s heart attack. I know that sounds horrible to say, but I really do because if that had never happened I would have never been able to appreciate the man that raised me. I love every moment I have with my father. Every time we talk to each other we say “I love You,” when we see each other we never say goodbye without a hug.
My father doesn’t’ just let me know how much I mean to him, he shows me and what else can a child ask from a parent? Learning to communicate and appreciate my father has taught me to love and appreciate life. So I guess if you can take anything from this long post it would be to appreciate every moment of your life. Grab you child and kiss em, don’t text your friend, call them, go see them, take the time to connect. Don’t miss the opportunity to let the people in your life know how much they mean to you. There are too many “What if’s” in life. What if my dad hadn’t gone to the ER, what if I didn’t answer the phone, What if I didn’t make the attempt to learn to communicate? There are so many “What if’s” that can destroy you and fill you full of regret that you can never get over, so don’t waste the moments. Live Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment