I started writing this last semester and this is a revised version....This is a little thing I like to call
Joshua Peavey Destroys the Universes
.jpg) The Universe |
Joshua Peavey was an extraordinary man of mediocre aspirations. Through his average work over his average life he had earned a successfully modest job in middle management at the Hope Springs Water Bottling and Distribution plant in the town of Jonas, Oklahoma. Though some would describe his management style as “Jerkish,” Joshua Peavey would refer to it as “Stern.” The rules were the rules and if one of his employees broke the rules there would be consequences. Regardless of that one thing was for certain, that Joshua Peavey was a creature of habit and relished the opportunity for the monotonous work that his job as floor supervisor gave him.
Being a creature of habit, that was habitually Jerkish to people made for a very recluse, or as Joshua would describe it “Cautiously reluctant to engage in personal relationships with people,” lifestyle. Each morning Joshua would get up at 6 a.m. and drink one pot of coffee, then he would shower for exactly twenty minutes, get dressed for work, be there by 7:45 a.m., clock in at 8 a.m., wait for people that showed up late so that he could hand them a write up, spend the rest of the time until noon avoiding ways to interact with his employees, eat a tuna fish sandwich for lunch, wait by the clock to see who returned late from lunch so he could write them up, hide in the bathroom till 4p.m. at which time he would clock out, and then he would go home for an evening of Shark Tank reruns and chicken pot pies until finally around 8p.m. he would go to bed. This routine had never changed once in fifteen years. Not for his birthday, not for Christmas, and certainly not for visitors to his house.
In the fifteen years that Joshua Peavey had lived at 420 N. High Ave. in Jonas, Oklahoma his door bell had never been used. So it is no wonder that this morning when the doorbell echoed through his unspectacular house Joshua spilt his morning coffee on his pants. The doorbell continued to rain terror through his house as Joshua jumped up from his chair to blow on his pants legs where the coffee had spilled.
“HOLD ON! I’M COMING!”
Joshua opens the door to a slender built tall man with tan skin, a five o’clock shadow, and a hair line much younger than his, “Oh thank God! It’s you!”
“Yes it is, I’m me, but who are you?”
The man enters Joshua’s house walking past him and heads for the kitchen. “I smell coffee. Where are the cups? Never mind that I can find them, sit down Joshua.”
“Wait, how do you know my name? And what are you doing in my house? Get out of here.”
“Man you were right he is kind of a jerk.”
“I’m right about who?”
“Not you! Us, look just sit down and we’ll explain everything.”
“What the freak is going on? I’m not going to sit down; you need to get the heck out of here before I call the police.”
“Yeah, Yeah, I know you were right, well I wasn’t wanting to do this but,” the man pulled out a revolver and pointed it at Joshua, “sit down in that gosh darn chair or I’m going to shoot you. Well of course I’m not going to shoot him guys we need him. Well yeah I guess I could shoot him in the leg, but do we really want to, I mean it will probably slow us down. Yeah you’re right we have to show him we mean business so I guess maybe like… the foot could work.” The man pointed the revolver at Joshua’s foot and a thunder rumbled through the house.
“WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?”
“Shoot I missed. Hey bro hold still this aiming aint easy you know,” the man said as he pointed the gun at Joshua’s foot once again.
“NO! NO! WAIT, WAIT! Hold on I’ll sit down, I’ll sit down.” Joshua sat down in the chair next to his kitchen table. “Look I’m sitting down, just put that thing away.”
“Cool man. Look I am sorry about all this, it’s just we need your help.”
“Who is ‘WE’ and who do you keep talking to?”
“We is me and me is we….Look it’s complicated and hard to explain but just sit back and watch this.” The man pulled out his phone and hit the send button….
“Ever had one of those days that nothing makes sense, and then something happens and everything makes sense but nothing seems to make sense. I hate this place, there is nothing but empty space, and the birds, I should have listened to the birds. Now I got this rock under my foot, and a bunch of empty space to look at, just me and his empty space. I'm sorry, what was I saying, oh yeah the day. The day that the universes were destroyed leaving just this empty space. Empty space and me. Let's go back a little
It was a today, and I was late for work, although really time doesn't seem to hold the same meaning to me as it did once, but I'll get to that, anyway watch this.
I’m pulling into the car lot and Jason is standing in his normal spot at the entrance. It seems like that guy never moves. There’s a rumor that he was once a lady's man, but that must have been a long time ago because now he just looked like sunburned flesh in a cheap suit and sunglasses. He never takes off his sunglasses and come to think of it he never comes inside. Rumor has it that he made Chad, the general manager, mad at him one day and every since he was forced to sit out in the sun to greet customers, though I have never heard him say a word.
Look see there I am walking into the showroom floor. I walk into my office and sit down at my desk. The picture of a family hanging up on my wall falls. It doesn’t really matter to me that the picture falls except that now when I have a customer I can’t use the picture of the family to relate to them.
Around noon I leave my office and go outside to have a smoke. This is part of my daily ritual, after my smoke I would usually go to lunch and then come back to work and try to find a car to take a nap in without anyone noticing. See look at those birds. Those Freaking birds.
Stupid birds, why didn't I listen to these stupid birds, they were telling me the entire time what not to do, but I wouldn't listen, they just sounded like a bunch of cawing to me. See they are cawing at me, so much cawing that I go inside without finishing my smoke.
It’s hot outside so I’m going to the break room to get a bottled water. It was Todd's water. I know this because it was clearly labeled as his with a note that read, ‘Do Not Drink,’ and here is where I screw everything up. I should have listened to the darn cryptic birds, but no see, there I am I just untwist the top and tilt the bottle up to quench my thirst. I’m not a thief I figure I can replace the water before Todd notices it is gone, besides see there I am walking into the break room, no wait I’m opening the refrigerator, is that me drinking Todd's water. What were the birds saying? Oh I hate this part this is where it all goes black. See there I go, I’m passing out. My brain must have been overloaded with the universes.”
“Wait. How am I seeing all of this? It’s like, I don’t know it feels like it is in my brain.” Joshua is understandably confused.
“Oh that, well yeah the Cloud.”
“Like in the sky? Those clouds.”
“No…..Like your smartphone. You know the Cloud.”
“So wait, your phone is beaming these images directly into my brain?”
“No the Cloud is-“
“Yeah the Cloud, from in your phone-“
“No the phone is just a phone.”
“So what’s the Cloud?”
“The Cloud is the Cloud.”
“That makes no freaking sense.”
“It makes perfect sense, anyways where was I? Oh yeah I remember, it was that feeling, like a thousand needles pricking my entire body. That moment between being unconscious and about to come to, when the universes were playing with my mind.”
“Why do you keep saying universes?”
“I’ll get to that in a minute, but I started to remember things that I had long forgotten. It was Janet, yeah that was her name, Janet Thompson, and the summer before my senior year of high school.
The preacher came to my house and demanded that I go to the church camp. My dad, but I never had a dad--that is not important, my dad was a bible thumper who never questioned the preacher. I had never gone to church, I never saw the need for it, in fact one of my other brothers, but he wanted me to go, was saying something about my souls and saving them from something or another. It never made much sense until…..well now, but I’ll get to that, anyway my brother Lance and I went to this church camp in the southern part of Oklahoma.
I don’t remember it being this hot, and I remember having longer hair. Things are like that now, all the things I remember are different, it is like I am watching everything happen all over again and the things are the same… but different. Well not everything, take Janet for example. Here I’ll show you, see there I am in the Tabernacle, I should be wearing shorts and a tank top but I’m not, yet she is the same. Look at her, so beautiful. Long onyx hair, with olive skin, and emerald eyes sitting in the choir behind the preacher. Even now as I watch it I can’t hear what he is saying, because somewhere between thou shalt not steal and thou shalt not lie she has me captivated. Oh wait yeah, hey look, here it is. This is the moment when she melted me in this heat. See look any moment now she is going to take her left hand and move her hair behind her ears, look up and make eye contact with me and smile. This is my favorite part of this memory, well not memory, but I swear it is like looking at the moon in the night sky and suddenly realizing there are stars. See the moment passes; no matter how many times I come to this moment time keeps moving forward. This is my fifth time here and every time it is the same, well not exactly the same, I look different each time but basically it is the same. I never saw her again the rest of the week, just that one time in the Tabernacle.”
“Ok….Stop for a second. This is all just a little too crazy. I don’t know what is going on here, I’m not entirely sure how I am seeing all this”
“I told you, you’re seeing it through the Cloud—“
“Shut up about the Freaking Cloud….I don’t know what it is, I am pretty sure you don’t know what it is, and I am pretty sure this stuff aint healthy for me. Look man you gotta get out of here, I am sorry, but I have listened or watched or whatever the hell that was, but I did it and now I think you should leave. I mean I don’t even know who you are”
“Well we’re Neal.” Neal gets up from his chair, grabs Joshua’s coffee mug and walks to the kitchen counter where the coffee pot was sitting. “Look just relax and have another cup of coffee.”
“NO! I don’t want another cup of coffee, I need you to leave so I can goto work then come home and forget that I have ever met you.”
“Work? I don’t think you understand. Your work doesn’t exist anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look forget all you know about time, space, and the universe. You know how when you were a kid you were told that time and the universe was infinite, well that is not true, well not entirely true. Time is not infinite or a loop. It is a series of straight lines that form a box. Inside this box is group of universes, nine to be exact. In the middle of this box is the cloud. It holds all the information in it about the different universes and keeps all this shit separated so that none of the universes touch each other. So what you were seeing is not memories, but things happening in real time within the different universes. Unfortunately you went and fracked this all up and now everything has gone to shit.”
“What do mean I fracked everything up? What could I have done?” Joshua reached out to grab the cup of coffee from Neal, “This doesn’t make any sense.”
“Just drink your coffee and watch all of this.” Neal once again hit send on his phone.
“Ok we are back where we started, but something’s different, look I have a beard now and I look like I’ve been in the wilderness and I remember it being sunny, but it is raining and what is my brother Lance doing there with me, I mean I don’t even have a brother. See what I mean nothing makes sense, even though it is all so familiar.
The birds there they go again, what are they saying, I think I can understand them; I know I need to listen to them.
‘We know who you are, the water, the water, the zoo, the mall, we know who you are’
Ok now I understand. Where did I go? Oh there I am by that car that just pulled in, is that who I think it is, oh my god it is, it’s Janet Thompson. Look at her, she looks exactly the same. Nothing about her is different, still so stunning, I can barely catch my breath from looking at her.
Dang it I keep losing myself. Where do I keep going? Oh here I come, look I have the same clothes on but my face is different. See look I just tripped and knocked the picture off the wall, but that isn’t how I remember it happening. Are you beginning to understand? The universes are touching each other, causing stuff that happens in one of them to affect things in the other.”
“Yeah I’m starting too, but what has any or this got to do with me?” Josh is definitely not starting to understand.
“Well Josh you’re kind of a jerk.”
“How?”
“Well what did you do last month at work?”
“Same thing I always do. I went to work, I clocked in, and I did my job.”
“No, you went to work and clocked in and then like a freaking Nazi you wrote up Dale for being three minutes late.”
“Well he was late what was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know let it slide a little, maybe understand that he may have had a good reason. I mean because after you did that the guy dumped an entire bottle of his anti-depressants into one of the water bottles. The same water bottle that I drank.”
“What?” Joshua sits back in his chair and takes another sip from his coffee cup.
“And because of that it happened in all the other universes which set off a chain reaction that overwhelmed the cloud and now all the universes are crashing into one another.”
“Well if all the universes are at different points in time then shouldn’t one you be able to get to me before I write Dale up and stop him? I mean I assume that when you say ‘We’ that means that you can communicate with your other selves in the different universes.”
“Yeah that would be great if you weren’t what you are.”
“What do you mean?”
“You are unique. You don’t exist in any of the other universes except this one. So the only way to stop you is to send you back in time.”
“Oh I see. Yeah this makes perfect sense. So I go back in time and then I find myself and let me guess, I’m supposed to say something like ‘John Connor. Come with me if you want to live.’ C’mon man, get the freak out of my house.” Joshua stood up and walked to the front door.
“Well this is probably the easiest way. Go ahead open the door Josh. Take a look outside and look at what you have done.”
Josh turns the door knob and opens the door. He falls to his knees as he is met with images of a burning sky and pockets of blank nothingness. His street that was once a neighborhood that seemed frozen in time from the 1960’s was now littered with skyscrapers alongside of houses missing their white picket fences.
“What is all of this?” Josh begins to tremble as he sees his neighbors houses begin to vanish from reality. “What have I done?”
“I told you. Now do you believe me?”
“Yeah…………. How can I change this? What can we do?”
Neal hands Josh his coffee cup. “First thing you can do is finish drinking your coffee and then we can head to the mall.”
Josh robotically sips his coffee. In between sips he asks, “Why the mall?”
“Because that is where the time portal is, so we gotta go there and kill some teenagers.”
“What? Wait why?”
“Because the teenagers are evil and they are guarding the portal for their master Bob.”
“So teenagers are evil?”
“Well no not all of them, just the one’s in skinny jeans with their neon colored sunglasses, t-shirts with pop culture references from the 90’s that are meant to be ironic, and their long boards.”
“Long boards? You mean skateboards? Like Tony Hawke?”
“No not like Tony Hawke. Tony Hawke is awesome. We’re not going to kill Tony Hawke. What the frack is wrong with you? Why do you wanna kill Tony Hawke?”
“I…I don’t—“
“Haven’t you been paying attention? Look just get in the darn car. You don’t even gotta worry about the teenagers the monkey army will take care of them.”
“Monkey army?”
“Seriously, have you not been paying attention? Yes the monkey army. What do you think the birds were telling you? Monkeys hate teenagers, so the birds went to the zoo to release the monkey army and they are going to meet us at the mall. All we have to do is get past Bob, who by the way is a total doucher, and then you jump into the time portal inside the Hot Topic.”
“There is a time portal in the Hot Topic?”
“Where do you think they get the shirts? Haven’t you ever wondered why the Hot Topic always looks like no one shops there and yet it is still open? It is because Bob sends the teenagers back in time to the 1990’s to steal shirts and shit from the past and bring them back to present time. Then they sell these shirts to people. There is almost zero overhead. Bob keeps his evil army of teenagers loyal by giving them shirts, hats, and jewelry. All we have to do is have you sneak into the portal and then you can stop all this shit from happening. Now get in the darn car.”
The two men get in the car and drive to the mall. Joshua Peavey sits silent throughout the entire car ride. He allows his mind to contemplate everything he has witnessed today. This outstanding man of mediocrity begins to wonder if he is up to the task, and furthermore he is hungry. His stomach growls as he begins to think of a Gyro. This is natural after all because he is headed to the mall, and one of his favorite places in the mall is the Gyro Pit Stop. There was something in the way that the cooks would slice the meat. It always looked so moist and the memory of the smell of the goat and lamb mixture only seemed to encourage his stomach to riot within his body. He would always ask for extra cucumber sauce to smother on the flat bread filled with meat, lettuce, tomato, and onion. In a life of average aspirations that would soon come to an end should he fail, Joshua Peavey found a desire to succeed that had never before touched his life so that the perfection of a Gyro would not disappear from reality. This is what he thought of most during the fifteen minute ride to the mall.
The two men arrive at the mall and park the car. “Why are you parking this far away from the mall? The place is empty. There is a spot right next to the entrance.” Joshua says as he points to the closest parking spot to the mall entrance.
“I can’t park there, it’s a handicap parking spot.”
“Who freaking cares Neal. Look around The place is empty.”
“So what if it is? It is still a handicap parking spot and it’s a jerk move to park there.”
“Are you freaking kidding me? We are about to go in here and kill a bunch of teenagers and you’re worried about parking in a handicap spot?”
“One, they are evil teenagers, two the monkeys are going to kill them, and three what if some handicapped person comes along and needs that parking spot and they can’t have it because we are parked in it?”
“THEN THEY CAN PARK IN THE HANDICAP SPOT RIGHT NEXT TO IT!”
“See, it is that attitude that is the exact reason that you are a jerk and I am not.”
Neal turns off the engine to the car and he and Josh get out and walk to the entrance. Neal zig zags back in forth in the empty parking lot so that he can’t be seen. Joshua walks in a straight line. They pause for a moment at the glass doors that lead into the mall.
“Hey why don’t you shut the heck up?” Neal says to the other Neals in his head. “No I’m not talking to the Neals in my head. I’m talking to you.”
Ummmmmmm. Me?
“Yeah you. Shut the heck up. You know we are trying to sneak in here and save the universes from total annihilation and it makes it a little hard with you constantly narrating every little thing we do. On top of that you are not very good at this, honestly bro you are a little bland and short on imagery”
Oh….
“Yeah and by the way I don’t appreciate some of the things you said about me earlier. I’m not average or mediocre.” Josh says, “There you go again. I know who said it. I said it. I don’t need you telling me who said what. It is just me and him here, so if someone says something and I didn’t say it I am going to go ahead and assume it’s that guy.”
Well I kinda have too narrate…
“But do ya?”
Yes Neal I do…Well what if I just whisper? Would that work?
“I guess.” Neal says
“Yeah, that’s a little better.” Joshua says.
The two men make their way to the Hot Topic. The monkey army and the evil teenagers had already started fighting when Josh and Neal arrived at the front doors of the Hot Topic. The tile floor of the mall was covered in a blend of teenage and monkey blood as the two armies’ waged war throughout the mall. The mall was flooded with the sounds of monkey roars, long boards being smashed, and Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond playing on the mall’s Muzak system.
The two men were met at the Hot Topic entrance by a forty year old slender man dressed in all black cargo pants with a chain that went from his front belt loop to the wallet in his back pocket, polished metal rings on each of his fingers, spiked hair, and a shirt with Super Mario on the front. This was Bob, the general manager of Hot Topic store # 665 located in the Culture Memorial Mall in Jonas, Oklahoma.
“What do we have here?” Bob says as he sees Neal and Josh. “Neal, what are you doing? Is this about Janet?”
“No this aint about Janet.”
“Look man, she doesn’t want you. Move on. This is a bit sad you know.”
“To heck with you Bob.” Neal begins to walk towards Bob with malice intent when a voice from behind Bob stops him.
“Neal? OMG!” Even Joshua recognizes this face. It is Janet. “Why are you here? I told you it’s over. Stop bothering me.”
“SCREW YOU JANET! No one gives a darn about you!” Obviously Neal is lying.
“Obviously you are lying. Look man just move on. I understand it’s tough to see her with a real man.”
“Shut up Bob! You’re forty years old and you work at the Hot Topic. I mean who wants to work at a Hot Topic when their forty, shoot who wants to work at a Hot Topic when they’re twenty-five?”
“Hey as manager I get paid ten dollars an hour, I have my own parking spot, free layaway, and a fifteen percent store discount.”
“Who cares Bob?”
“I’m sorry Neal, but are you sure this has nothing to do with Janet. I mean you didn’t mention anything about her and Bob at my house earlier.”
“Look around man. The universes are collapsing. Do you think I care about her right now? C’mon man that’s just stupid.”
Janet holds up her cell phone, “The why have you been texting me all day. Stop already. Seriously it’s sad like LOL enough.”
“I’m sorry did you just say ‘LOL’ instead of laugh out loud?” There is a look of disgust on Joshua’s face. “You do realize that that LOL and laugh out loud have the same exact amount of syllables, so there is no reason to verbalize the abbreviated version of the phrase. What I’m trying to say is you sound dumb. You know YSD.”
“W.T.F! You’re a jerk.”
“Again no need to abbreviate that phrase. Can we have the monkeys kill her Neal?”
“Josh just relax. Bob look around, everything is disappearing and in another few minutes all of reality is going to be wiped out. This guy here is the only one that can stop it. I gotta send him back in time using your portal so that he can kill himself. So as much as I hate it I’m going to have to kill you so that we can save the universes.”
“Or…..You could just ask to use the portal.”
Neal realizes that Bob is right and that he could just ask to use the portal. In fact it would have been much easier if he had just asked to use the portal.
“What do you mean I have to kill myself?”
“Yeah, you have to kill yourself.” Joshua can tell from Neal’s face that he is being serious.
“Why do I have to kill myself? Why can’t I just tell myself not to write the guy up?”
“Well because you are kind of a jerk dude and there is no telling when you’re going to tick someone off and cause the all of reality to be destroyed. It’s better this way. I know it is a lot to take in, but you gotta take a hit for the team on this one. Now hurry up and get into the portal before the poison kicks in and it’s too late.”
“What do you mean poison Neal?”
“Oh yeah, well when I was at your house earlier I poisoned your coffee. It’s the only way to be sure to avoid all of this from happening.”
“You did what?” Josh can barely hold back his anger. “You poisoned my coffee? I’m dying? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?”
“A little.” Once again Neal was not being honest. He is more than a little out of his mind, the stress of all his minds converging into one another had not only overwhelmed the Cloud, but it had caused him to have a psychotic break.
“And you, all day long we’ve had to sit through all your boring narration of every little thing we do. What you couldn’t have narrated that he was putting poison in my coffee? You’re terrible at this, I mean WTF! And the rest of you, well…… you are all a bunch of losers! You know what, I aint going to get in that portal. No! You know what I’m gonna do? I gonna go down to the food court and get a Gyro. Why? Because I’m hungry and they’re freaking delicious and all of ya’ll can go to you know where”
As Joshua bit into his Gyro with extra cucumber sauce he began to wonder anxiously to himself, “Did I leave the coffee pot on?” And as reality began to fade into nothingness all the people in all the collapsing universes agreed that… Joshua James Peavey is a jerk.
Picture Attribution
By NASA, ESA, and the Hubble SM4 ERO Team [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
No comments:
Post a Comment